First of all nobody is going to judge you, you silly silly girl!
My daughter is on anti depressants - part of life -
there are peaks and valley's my friend - and though we don't need to do much but ride the joy during the peaks - there's a lot of people who need help riding out the valleys.............You have a huge heart - which makes the valleys even more desperate ( exactly like my daughter by the way - who helps every stray animal she can - and currently has 5 cats in her home)
I remember Nikita well!
Much love to you
XXX

Meg, you need to remember that you will not be able to cope with the stresses of life if you don't spend some time on yourself. I went through a similar time. My issues were different but I, too, could not sleep and things just got worse and worse. You need to be pro-active. Take an hour to do something away from everyone else. Take a walk. Visit a flower shop. Go to a funny movie. Sit and read a good book. Whatever you enjoy. Make plans to have an evening with Drew. Enlist others in your area to spend time at your home helping with Merry. Perhaps a friend group or a church group could help you out. Is there a group in your area that works with adult autistic people? You are reaching out to us now - reach out to others in your area as well. I wish you peace.

Any way you can get OUT of the house to exercise? Zumba? Jazzercise? Dance lessons? Kickboxing? I find I need time away from the house to clear my head.

I'm sorry for all your stress. I'm a pretty tightly wound person and have been facing my own challenges recently. I'm starting a new medication today and hoping it helps a bit.

Wish I could help!

Dear Meg, first how very brave of you to share your intimate feelings with us. Thank you for being courageous enough to do that! Second, you are doing the right things, seeking a doctor for the right meds, and asking for help! My advice, take it one day at a time. Change will come but it will be gradual so pray, pray, pray for patience. I will keep you, Merry and your family in my prayers. And in regard to your furry babies, just like everyone in our family, love them each day, cherish the time you have with them and thank God for placing them in your life. They are such an incredible blessing. Your blogger friend, Marsha

Hey! Wake up! The sun rises every day, rain or shine, nothing happens.
I had anxiety for 3 years and three months off work, I'm still with medical treatment. Do not be afraid to take medications, doctors know this and now I'm fine, more than fine! Although I still have to continue with the treatment they are long-term medication, not arranged in 4 or 5 months, no. At least 2 years to be fine.
Sorry about your kitty, I have two lovely cats and not think about my life without them, but that's life. I lost my mother in February 2012 and is larger than the feeling of a mother nothing. The next day the sun shines again and again to get up. Life is hard, but it must be lived. Do not put your head in a cave, is useless. Get up, smile in the mirror and think that you do if you can.

Greats!!

Precious Meg - and brave.

It takes courage and self-respect to see a doctor for the first time for any sort of "mental illness". It takes a sense that you are worth more than the fear, that you are worth having a life topfilled with love and joy. And you are worth that, as is Drew... and Merry.

You are not weak, nor are you broken. You are in a hard place... a place you don't know, and need help navigating. And that truth is not good or bad, it simply is.

Medication does help... as does excercise, meditation and time away. Even if that time away is a 15 minute hot bath with some soothing music.

I come from a family that seems to have more than it's fair share of depression and bi-polar sufferers. Some days are good, some are numb and some simply suck. But the world turns on, and a new day greets us each morning.

It was better before. Let that give you hope that it will be better again. Different, certainly, because you will know the difference and be oh, so grateful for the good. You'll see it as the treasure it can be.

For now, take a deep breath. Hug your four-foots and Drew. Hug Merry if that's something that can be done. Breathe in the love from all of them and take a minute to savour it. Grab your happy where you can find it - even if it's simply that your clothes are right-side-out today, and your shoes are on the right feet. It does get better. Bit by bit, day by day. In 3 months, you'll see a difference. In 6, you'll be in a very better place. And, in time, it will be good again.

Email me if you want a place to vent. I will read, not judge and respond with love. Promise.

Liz
chaissonthompson at yahoo dot ca

I'm sorry Lovie but you understand what your triggers are that the most important thing.
What you need to do Now is figure out how to control these attacks.
For me I use Music I love Enya she soothes me so I listen to her.
I have had my share of medication it has only been in the past 3 years that I got a good combination. Its Not a cure all but It helps to ride the Wave a little easier.
Depression effect everyone you know & live with . I am lucky I have a husband who loves me as I am.
I had a huge turning point when I put myself out there Just as you did here. Really we are Strangers but have a whole lot in common I know I cant explain how & what i am going though to family or a therapist but someone behind or on the other end of a phone or computer can help you/me more.
Huge Huge Hugs Meg Kudo to you for taking on what you have But dont let it break you. Take a walk, write , talk, you have a huge CYBER family willing to help you at any time.
<3 Ann.

Oh hunny, you sure as heck are gonna get support from us...It happened to me too...mine was caused by hormones...I was always a happy person...but stresses in my life had me internalizing so many things, and I didn't want to share because I didn't want to be like the people in my life that were causing stresses..so I went out of my way to be happy...well...guess what, you can only NOT DEAL with something for so long before it gets in your face and doesn't let you go any further..I went from a happy "dancing in the kitchen" Mom..to a lady who couldn't eat or function and just laid in bed and had panic attacks...I too had to get on meds...guess what...they don't change the world..they help you deal with the world..I had an awesome therapist who said..when you take your meds everything is the same...it just keeps you from bouncing...I am on year two..it was really hard to accept taking meds..(I in all my wisdom had always been ANTI meds...:)) but thank God they were there when I needed them. I don't even need to take meds about 8 months out of the year...but when I feel that good old anxiety and rumination coming back on..I have to body surf until I can get on my meds again and get back to a calm mind...We got your back sister...do what you have to do to take care of you and the rest will come...
Hugs
Karin
www.artisbeauty.net

I have been in the same place you are. I took medicine and feel like I lost a whole year of my life.I finally askes the doctor to give me something that I only had to take when I was actually having a panic attack. It changed my life. I have not had an attack in two years-because I know that the medicine will stop it-I never leave the house without it. I think my biggest problem was that I felt I couldn't be in control-now I am with my magic pill to take when I need it.

Dear one,

You are not alone. I have also fought those feelings. The dread of losing one of my 2 –legged or 4-legged family members. My house is a zoo between; a husband, two daughters, 3 cats, 2 dogs, birds, fish, a rabbit, and a lizard. I have loved and lost so many.

The last two years I have lost my closest friend, my beautiful aunt, 3 cats, and a dog. My aunt to a heart attack at 52, two cats to old age, one to a clot that paralyzed her back legs at only 7 years of age, and a dog in November to cancer also only 7 years old.

Many of my rescued family members came from my 5 year stint working for a Veterinary Hospital. One of the hardest things I ever had to do was help with euthanasia’s. Over time it got easier not because it didn't hurt like hell but because I realized something: I was able to help someone with the last gift they could give their beloved family member. The gift of unselfishness. To sacrifice their own needs and put that 4-legged beautiful beast needs ahead of their own.

Did it help when it came to my own animals, not at first. Not until this last year (I have not worked there in 4 years) did I realize that by worrying so much about the end I was missing the beginning and middle. The parts that really count. The parts with all the memories. I also had to realize that I was enough. Meg, you are ENOUGH. You have everything you need inside of yourself to get through this you just need to give yourself a chance.

For me loss is always a shadow that haunts me. I lost my father at seventeen, all my grandparents are gone, no aunts or uncles. I have my mom and brother, a wonderful husband and two incredible daughters, and 3 cousins. Am I a little overprotective, you bet. I don't know what I would do without my beautiful little family. My oldest daughter was diagnosed with diabetes at 13. She is now 19 and I still worry that I will lose her like I did my father to this terrible disease.

But I also had to realize I didn't want to miss what her life is now. To do that I had to give up some control. And has that been hard. To stop trying to control every situation with my family members. I had to quit trying to juggle everyone else's balls along with my own. This is something I struggle with every day. But as I give up more control the more in balance my life becomes. I had to remember that I am enough. It will all work out. Do what you can and be enough.

How lucky your family (2-legged and 4-legged) is to have you. Who better to take care of them. Who else would love them unconditionally even with all there flaws and health issues. See you are enough.

I wish I could give you some insight on your sister but I can't. The best advice I can give you is to read my friends blog. She has one child with autism and one that is showing signs of development issues. She is brave and funny and radiates a glow that captures and draws you in. Her blog is herestooursurvival.blogspot.com

For me meds didn't work. They made me sick. I have had to rely on myself. Which isn't easy. I struggle with many health problems. But I do realize how blessed I am. To have loved so many and to have so many ready to welcome me home when I get to the other side. But for now knowing that I am enough and enjoying the ride gets me through. Not that I don't struggle, I do. But if I don't enjoy the beginning and middle the end will come to soon.

I would say good luck, but you don't need it. I am going to say don't forget to give yourself credit for the fine wonderful person you are. Enjoy this beautiful story you are creating.

Hugs,

Susann


P.S. I think we live in the same part of Siberia. You may even live in my old neighborhood.